Lighten Up

What I Do

I help my clients down-size, prepare to move, release objects that are no longer serving their purpose, clear space, and create a peaceful living environment. I work one-on-one, in my clients’ homes.

That’s pretty straightforward, but you may still have difficulty imagining what it is I actually do. I’ve provided a scenario of a typical (fictitious) decluttering session with a composite (fictitious) client. Read on...

scenario of a typical decluttering session

Mary and her husband want to sell their house in a year, and they have begun decluttering, to reduce their possessions to what will fit in a two-bedroom apartment in a retirement community.  But they discover what a confusing and exhausting task it is! They call me in to help.

On Thursday evening, I text Mary this message: “Just confirming our session for tomorrow. I’ll see you at 11:00 AM! Abby.” Decluttering can feel like a daunting task, and this is just Mary’s second session. I know she may be tempted to cancel or forget, so I send a little reminder.

Friday morning, I drive by my local liquor store to collect empty boxes. I select the sturdy ones with handles. Then I drive to Mary’s house. I’m wearing my usual work clothes: a modest dress, leggings, and sensible shoes. I’m glad that there’s no rain in the forecast, because I guess I’ll be carrying stuff to the car today.

I arrive at Mary’s a little before 11:00. Her husband is just leaving. He is following guidelines for successful decluttering, i.e., giving his wife space! I ask the family members of my clients to stay out of the room where we are working, and to refrain from making any comments at all while we are working. A comment from a family member – even a well-meaning comment – can derail the process of discernment.

Mary and I gather our materials: empty liquor boxes, plastic garbage bags, masking tape, and a Sharpie marker. Before we start, Mary and I have a brief moment of silence. I feel it is a good practice to offer thanks for the opportunity for transformation, and to pray for the courage and faith to do the work.

Deciding where to work is important. Mary is feeling overwhelmed by the chest of drawers full of old photos, and by the china dishes and glassware in the cabinet. So, for today, we pass by those areas, and settle on the bookshelf in her office.

I have Mary sit in a chair, and create a work surface right next to her: a plastic tub with a lid. Because the work of discerning and letting go is so emotionally taxing, I have Mary sit comfortably, while I stand and lift. I take down the books from one shelf and pile them on the work surface. While Mary picks up each book in turn, I quickly dust and clean the shelf.

She has mixed emotions about the first book. “Oh,” says Mary, “This was a gift from my aunt!” Mary feels obliged to keep the book, even though it doesn’t bring her joy. She worries that letting go of the book dishonors her late aunt. Mary’s mixed emotions are my cue that the book should go.

I suggest that the love she feels for her aunt is in her heart, not in the book. Mary concedes that she has a photo of her aunt, and doesn’t need the book to remember her. I suggest that the gift was a sort of messenger, and since the message was delivered, isn’t the messenger free to go? We also agree that someone else would be able to enjoy the book if it were donated.

Mary feels released from obligation, when the book goes into the box marked “Donate,” because she is able to say to the book, “Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. Goodbye!”

We go through all the books on the bookshelf. The yellowing, disintegrating paperbacks go into the “Recycle” box. Some of the hardback books in good shape go into the “Donate” box. The dusty, old candles we discover behind the books go into the “Garbage” bag. The books that Mary treasures, and wants to keep, go back onto the clean shelves. Stepping back to look at the tidied-up bookshelf, I say, “I feel that you are the boss of that bookshelf now.”

Mary is feeling so happy with the results, she is motivated to address the closet in her office. It is storage space for coats and dresses that she might wear someday. She even giggles when I remind her, “Someday is never!”

I pull out the garments one by one, while Mary stays seated. I know we’re off to a great start when Mary looks at the first dress and says, “What the hell is that?” I answer the question as earnestly as I can. “Well, I think it is a teal green, polyester, wrap-around dress, size 7. Maybe from the 1970s?”

Mary recalls the time in her life when she bought the dress. In the immortal words of Kool and the Gang, we “celebrate good times” by acknowledging how she enjoyed this dress in the past. But she quickly decides she can let it go; Mary accepts the idea that just because a thing served her in the past, it needn’t hang around as a memorial to the past. Releasing it opens space for the thing that will serve her in the present!

We work quickly through the garments, folding most of them into bags marked “Donate.” I vacuum and dust, and hang up the treasures that Mary wants to keep: a vintage lamb’s wool coat, her mother-of-the-groom dress, and a few other formal dresses.

While Mary sorts some magazines we found in the closet, I run the bags and boxes to my car, and the trash to the garbage can. Finally, we sit down at the kitchen table and have some hot tea. I reflect back to her the work that she did over the past two hours. First of all, she made the decision to face the task she had been avoiding. She did the work of discerning and releasing.

I encourage Mary to hydrate and rest, because discerning and releasing is taxing. I also suggest that she check in with herself tomorrow, to see if she notices any change in the way she feels about her possessions or the prospect of moving. (My guess is that she will feel a little bit stronger, and lot less overwhelmed. But I keep that to myself, because I want Mary to discover it.)

We schedule our next two-hour session for Tuesday, and I say goodbye…. and “remember to hydrate!” Then I drive to one of my usual drop-off locations, the Goodwill. On my way home, I swing by the recycling transfer station, which is open on Friday afternoon, and drop off the paper recycling.

On Monday I get a check-in call from Mary, and, sure enough, she is feeling a little bit stronger, and a lot less overwhelmed. She lets me know she wants to address the china dishes on Tuesday. I make a note to bring more boxes.

I feel it is a privilege to be part of my client’s transformation. I love the way shifts of consciousness happen in the course of mundane tasks. It never gets old!

My Patron Saint

Ganesha is the elephant-headed deity of the Hindu pantheon. He is known as the Remover of Obstacles. 

Sermons

I also speak at churches and retirement communities about the spiritual opportunity of decluttering. See my blog for transcripts.

No shame, No blame

It is very important that my client feel supported in the work of decluttering…. supported, and safe, and eager for transformation. The biggest obstacles to my client achieving such a positive state of mind are shame and blame.

Shame and blame feature prominently in the culture all around us. According to the traditional thought-patterns we inherit, shaming children to control them is normal. I have childhood memories of my own mother hissing “Shame on you!” and glaring at me with fury. In one such instance, I had put mashed potatoes in my pockets, so that I could feed bears at the zoo, which made perfect sense to me at time. I think my mother lost a teachable moment, when she shamed me for the mess, and didn’t praise me for the impulse of kindness.

In our culture, it’s common to begin a problem-solving discussion by ascribing blame. After I had divorced the father of my children, I was having a discussion with a friend. The problem I was solving was how to move forward as a single mom. But my friend felt it was necessary to first determine who was to blame for the divorce. I felt the whole discussion stalled.

My point in telling these stories is to illustrate how shame isn’t a form of instruction, but an obstacle to creativity; blame isn’t a solution to a problem, but an obstacle to growth.

[One note on that blanket statement: ascribing blame for a crime in a court of law is a different matter, and using the public shaming of a perpetrator to effect change in public opinion may indeed prove effective.]

In my work with a client, I preach forgiveness of self and others. If my client cringes with shame when she opens the closet door, then she isn’t ready for transformation; she isn’t eager to do the work of discernment. It’s my job to persuade her that clutter is a perfectly understandable condition in any human living space. Clutter in a house is like plaque on teeth: it happens! You do what you can with a toothbrush, and make an appointment with the dentist. I hope your dentist doesn’t shame you. I won’t either.

I offer absolution…. But not in a way that would threaten the job security of your priest! I use compassionate listening and my ability to re-frame a situation or re-tell a story, to help my client find relief from self-blame.

One of my first tasks as your declutterer may be to break your shackles of shame.